Sample Compositions With Teachers Note WBCS Exam
Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:30 pmSample Composition with Teacher’s Notes.
Student Composition:
Three Passions I Live For
(See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.)
Looking back on my past twenty years full of passions (1) and enthusiasm, I feel grateful and (2) to live a healthy and happy life. There are a lot of qualities I have learnt from ordinary life that guided me through. If I am asked to list the first three, I will put health, happiness of my family and enough financial support (3) as the passions I live for.
Health comes first for me. Without health, everything is meaningless. It is indispensable to everyone (4). Only when one is healthy can he start his own career, set up his own family and achieve any accomplishment (5). I always value health and regard it as the preliminary step (6) to possess a happy family and earn enough money.
Happiness of my family (7) is very important to me because I love my family wholeheartedly. I get pleasure in their joys and suffer what they suffer. Their infinite love and support motivate me to overcome any trouble or obstacle (8) I may meet. To make those I love happy is the biggest wish for me. What would millions of money (9) mean to me if I saw my family suffer from pain and agony (10)? Now that I�ve got a healthy body, I have plenty of time and opportunities to entertain my family. Then money comes third. (11)
Everyone must admit that they could never do without money (12). Money enables us to get food, a house for shelter, clothes to wear and furthermore (13) enjoyment. For example, with money, we can get a good education, travel around the world and receive fine medical treatment. Money is essential to satisfy our basic needs as well as further self-development.
As long as I am healthy, I�ll work hard to earn as much money as I can, then with it I buy substances (14) or services to make (15) my family live more comfortably. If everything goes on (16) smoothly, I�ll be absolutely the happiest girl in the world!
Teacher's Comments
(1) "Passion" is normally a non-count noun, especially in this expression, "full of passion". In any case, the word "passion" itself is not really appropriate considering the three ideas being expressed. Health and wealth are mentioned as necessities which add to the writer's quality of life, but they are not really "passions". If the writer loved to go the gym every single day of the week and practiced yoga, weight training, along with various other sports, then it might be called "a passion". "Wealth" is also "a passion" for some people who really do seem to live for money. They want all the money they can get - more, more, MORE! That's passion. This writer doesn't live for money, however, she only uses money to help her live a better life. For her, money is a tool, not a passion.
(2) Perhaps the word "and" was added by mistake. I think the writer wanted to write something like "I feel grateful for the chance to have lived a healthy and happy life". If the writer wants to keep "and", then a sentence such as "I feel grateful and happy to have lived a healthy life". "And" should connect two similar words or ideas.
(3) "Support" is what somebody, or some thing, gives to you. When I read "enough financial support", I think the writer wants support from her parents or maybe from the government. "Enough finances" or "sufficient finances" would be better, but the writer could even use the simple expression "enough money". It's better to use a simple word such as "money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances" incorrectly.
(4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two sentences, only using different words. The writer's message is "Health is important. Health is important. Health is important." It seems the writer is just trying to show off her knowledge of English without communicating any message. In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out completely.
(5) This is far too general. It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring. The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real achievement or not. The writer should give examples of achievements that she has achieved or hopes to achieve.
(6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear. There might be many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so important.
(7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay to write it this way. However, the second time it is used, "my family's happiness" is much more natural. If the writer insists on using this awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The happiness of my family...".
(8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words "trouble" and "obstacle".
(9) "Money" is a non-count noun. We could say "millions of dollars", "millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan". Another possibility would be "a large amount of money".
(10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation. Writing "suffer from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and suffering". The writer could change this to "living in pain and agony" or "experiencing pain and agony".
(11) This is a fair attempt at a transition to the next paragraph, but it could be better. See the revised essay for examples of smooth transitions between paragraphs.
(12) This sentence communicates nothing and should be cut.
(13) It is not clear what the writer is trying to say by using the word "furthermore" here. Maybe she means, "beyond these necessities", or something similar. The word "furthermore" could also be cut with no replacement, and the meaning would come through more clearly.
(14) "Substances" sounds like raw materials, especially chemicals or drugs. The writer should use specific goods and services in order to communicate her message.
(15) The word "make" sounds like the family will be forced to live more comfortably, against their will. "Allow" is a more appropriate word.
(16) This should be simplified to "goes smoothly" to make it idiomatically correct. It's still too vague. The writer would do even better to express what she means by "go smoothly" by giving examples.
Teacher’s Revised Essay
"Keys to Happiness"
Looking back on the first twenty years of my life, lived with passion, energy and enthusiasm, I feel grateful to have been so healthy and happy. I owe my happiness to so many people and lucky events, but there are three key, fundamental factors that have guided me and supported me in my life. Those three keys to life are my physical health, healthy finances, and my family's happiness.
Health comes first for me, because without health everthing else is meaningless. Imagine starting a career without good health. Imagine starting a family without good health. Imagine achieving anything without good health. Clearly, good health is a basic, fundamental prerequisite for every other aspect of one's life.
Good health is not enough to be happy. We still need to have money in today's society. Money obviously pays for the basic necessities of life - food, housing, clothing - but is also necessary for other reasons. The amount of money we have at our disposal determines the quality of education we can receive. Money guarantees we will always get adequate medical treatment if the need arises. We can also use money for travel and other entertainment that can add to our quality of life.
When we have both our health and healthy finances, we can turn our attention to the most important factor in having a happy life. Family is the most important factor because it provides the love, joy and support that everybody needs. I love my family with all my heart. I get pleasure from their pleasure. I suffer when they suffer. My family helped me get through the tremendous pressure of entrance exams. They consoled and advised me when I had misunderstandings with my friends. More importantly, they were there to share in my successes throughout the past twenty years.
These three factors are all that I need and want in this world. As long as I stay healthy, work hard to earn as much money as I can, and then use my health and wealth to share both good times and bad times with my family, I will always be the happiest girl in the world.
Student Composition :
The Greatest Invention in My Eyes
About 5000 years ago today (1) in ancient Egypt, thousands of people were building pyramids for their King. As we all know, at that time there was no machine (2). Then you will wonder how could they carry so many huge stones? How could they create such splendid pyramids? How could they create such a miracle? Well, the answer is the wheel (3). Wheel makes everything possible.
So in my eyes wheel is the greatest invention. Maybe you will challenge me,�wheel is so common that everybody takes it for granted. Why do you think is the greatest invention?� (4) Actually, wheel has been playing an important role in every aspect of people�s life from antiquity to today.
As everyone knows, wheel makes traveling much easier. In ancient time, people traveled on foot. It wasted too much time. People often felt very tired. And also I think it�s a damage to the shoes (5). Don�t you think so? Then a clever man thought of the wheel and the horse. He put them together, and the first cart was born. It saved time and stamina (6) as well.
When the Industrial Revolution began, more and more vehicles sprang up. You can (7) see cars shuttling on the road. You can (7) see trains running on the rail. You can (7) even see some planes hovering in the sky. Dear friends, can you imagine traveling without these vehicles? Can you imagine vehicles without wheels?
Wheel�s important role is not only in traveling, but also in industry. With the wheel�s help, the crane can lift many heavy things at one time. In factory (8), you can find gears (toothed wheels) in every machine. Gears are so essential that we can�t work efficiently without them.
Wheel is also closely linked with our daily life. With the development of technology, talented people make full use of the wheel. They invent many household electrical appliances to improve our living standard, such as washing machine (9), air conditioner (9)and microwave oven (9). All of these have improved people�s life dramatically.
My dear friends, what if without (10) wheels? We all can�t imagine. Right? Now you must understand why I think the wheel is the greatest invention. Aristotle (11) once said,�give me a lever, (12) I can lever up the earth.� Today I can also say, �give me a wheel, I can change the world!�
Teacher's Comments:
This composition is very well organized, making it easy to read and very clear. It also has good sentence structure with only very minor problems. However, for this composition, I would have to give the writer a zero. Why? Read my comments below.
(1) This expression suggests that it was "about" 5000 years ago compared to this date exactly. We don't really know what they were doing in September of the year 3005 B.C., so the writer should drop "today".
(2) Of course, this should be "there were no machines".
(3) This is good. The writer uses the general expression "the wheel". However, this should be used EVERY time, not just once.
(4) This is where the composition fails. The writer is simply putting up a straw horse and will then knock it down. This is much too easy. Instead of making such a weak statement and arguing against it, the writer should defend his premise against the best argument he can think of. For example, as you can see in the revised composition, the writer could consider other great inventions, such as the printing press or the computer chip, and show that the wheel is still the greatest.
(5) We don't say "it's a damage" in English, and I suspect walking all the time affected more than just shoes. Maybe the writer could say something like "this also caused many problems for people's feet".
(6) We can save time and we can save energy, but we can't save stamina.
(7) The beginning of the Industrial Revolution was in the past, so the writer should use "could" instead of "can".
(8) This is not just in one factory, so the plural, "factories", should be used.
(9) These should either be made plural or the definite article "the" should be added before each item.
(10) This should be "what would the world be without the wheel?".
(11) Actually, this famous sentence was spoken by Archimedes, not Aristotle.
(12) The actual quote is "Give me a lever LONG ENOUGH...".
The small mistakes aren't so important here, but remember, writing is for communicating. Don't waste your talent on overly simple, meaningless arguments. Find something interesting to say, then use your talents to communicate!
Revised Composition:
The Greatest Invention in History
Thousands of years ago in ancient Egypt, people built pyramids for the Pharoah. At that time there were no machines, so how could they move such huge stones? How could they create such splendid pyramids? How could they create such a miracle? The answer, of course, is the wheel. The wheel makes everything possible. Now, you may challenge this assertion. "The wheel is far too simple," you may say. "Inventions such as the printing press and the computer chip have done much more to change the world." I have to disagree with you. Let me explain why.
The common uses of the wheel are obvious. Rather than travel on foot or on horse, we have learned to travel by horse-drawn carriages, cars, trains and now airplanes and rockets. The Industrial Revolution could never have occured without the wheel. Not only do industrial machines, such as we find in factories, or home appliances such as washing machines and air conditioners, depend on the wheel, even the printing press that brought learning to the masses depended on gears - toothed wheels! - to work. In other words, though the printing press was important, it simply couldn't exist without the wheel.
The computer chip also would not be the useful device it is, without the help of the wheel. The computer chip itself may not use a wheel or gear directly, but peripheral devices such as printers and disk drives do. Without the wheel, we could in theory have a powerful computing device. However, we wouldn't be able to save our work or show it to other people! Without the invention of the wheel, the computer would be next to useless.
So, can you imagine a world without the wheel? Can you imagine a world without long-distance travel? Can you imagine a world without a printing press to communicate the best writing in the world? Can you imagine a world with no useful computers? Everything that came after the wheel, and everything that is to come, depends on the greatest invention in history. The wheel!
Student Composition :
An Unforgettable Experience
It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely (1) down my cheeks.
When I was young, my family led a poor life in country (2). That evening (3), the weather was very bad, it rained cats and dogs (4). Just at the evening (5), my families (6) were on our way home. Dad held me on his back, Mom held my elder brother�s hand, and held the only umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you know (7), the road of country is difficult for people to walk, especially in rainy days. However, they waded (8) together like this (9) in the rain. But I wasn�t comfortable either. I was fat at that time, perhaps it was hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time, for he had almost fallen down (10) for several times (11). In order to decrease the weight to Dad, tried to hold myself-----just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing (12).
When we arrived home, the inner of our house was raining (13) too. Rain dropped from the bad roof everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs at the right places for rain. Then she put me and my elder brother on dry places of bed (14). I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, they caught a bad cold.
This is the earliest memory in my mind, and luckily, it is nothing but my parents� love, I touched parents� great love (15) for the first time. Though the evening went away (16), and now we live a happy life, I won�t forget the rain we lived through together, the evening will stay in my mind forever.
Comments:
The basic ideas of this composition are very clear and well-written. It is well-organized and easy to read. However, there are many small mistakes that could be improved. As with most students' compositions, more specific details would have also made it much better.
(1) "whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely down my cheeks" "Whenever" means anytime, which could also be now or in the future, so we should use "flow" rather than the past tense.
(2) "in country" This should be "in the country".
(3) "That evening" "That" refers back to a previously mentioned evening, but the writer didn't mention an evening before. It would be better to write "One evening".
(4) "it rained cats and dogs" Many students rely too much on old, worn-out phrases. Good writing is fresh and includes concrete details. The writer could try something like this: "It had rained hard all day and the old, dirt roads were flooded with water".
(5) "Just at the evening" This should be "In the evening".
(6) "my families" We all have only one family. "My family and I" or "All the members of my family and I" would be better.
(7) "as you know" This phrase is very rarely used and should be reserved for a time when we truly want to emphasize that our readers are aware of a certain fact. In this case, I actually do NOT know that country roads are all difficult to walk on.
(8) "waded" It sounds as though the water was very deep. If that was true, the writer should have already told us "the water covering the road was more than 50cm deep", or something similar. If it is not true, then the writer could write "walked through the heavy rain".
(9) "together like this" "Like this" refers back to a way of walking, but the writer described the country road in the previous sentence, not how they were walking.
(10) "he had almost fallen down" This should be "he almost fell down". We only use "had fallen" if we want to emphasize a previous time when he almost fell. For example, "He had almost fallen down several times before, so now his steps were especially careful".
(11) "for several times" We do not need "for" in this case.
(12) "just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing" I have no idea what this means! What is "in mind"? Whose mind is it in? What sound was made? What could it have done if it hadn't done nothing? The whole sentence is very confusing.
(13) "the inner of our house was raining" This sounds as though there were rain clouds inside the house, perhaps with lightning and thunder! Of course, the inside of the house was probably only full of rain water.
(14) "put me on dry places of bed" This should be "put me on a dry spot on the bed".
(15) "I touched parents' great love" "Touch" is not the right word. Maybe "realize", "understood" or possibly "came in touch with" would better express the writer's feeling.
(16) "the evening went away" Evenings do not go away. We could say "the evening ended" or "the evening came to an end".
Revised Composition:
My First Unforgettable Evening
It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, tears flow freely down my cheeks.
When I was young, my family led a poor life in the country. One evening we were visiting some relatives and the weather was very bad. It rained so hard that the roads were flooded with water. On our way home that evening, my Dad carried me on his back. My Mom held my elder brother�s hand, and held an umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you can imagine, many country roads are difficult to walk on. This road was especially bad after the rain. However, we trudged together through the mud and the rain for more than an hour.
Though I was on my Dad's back, I wasn�t comfortable either. I was fat at that time and it may have been hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time. He almost fell down four or five times. In hopes of decreasing my father's burden, I tried to "carry" myself, through force of will alone. That may sound funny, but I was just a kid. Of course, I achieved nothing.
When we arrived home, the inside of our house was covered with rain water. The rain had come through our leaky roof and puddles were everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs all around the house to try to catch the rain. Then she put me and my elder brother to bed, carefully placing us on the remaining dry spots. I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, both having caught bad colds.
This is my very earliest memory, and luckily, it represents nothing but my parents� love. I realized the depth of my parents� great love for the first time. Though the evening has long since passed, and now we live a happy life, I won�t forget the rain we lived through together. The rain, that evening, and especially my parents' love, will stay in my mind forever.
Student Composition :
Where is my cheese?
This booklet of 90 pages Who Moved My Cheese? is a (1) child's story but (2) also for everyone, and the problem I face to is: What is my cheese?
Life is a labyrinth, and cheese is a symbol of what we must to find, pursue in (3) it. From primary school, my cheese is test marks, now, I (4) admitted the college, and gone through my self-examination I paid too much for this cheese. But as the booklet said, (5) none of any cheese was exactly belongs to us; it disappeared when we (6) found it out. That means the marks are not a cheese for my whole life, and the next cheese is my means of livelihood, and when I get it, the next is my work achievement. There is a series of cheeses in front of me, and I don't know what to do with (7) it.
I wonder if I can make myself change into the roles of mice "Xiuxiu" and "Congcong", because they can smell varieties of flavor in advance and pull themselves in action, so I did some odd jobs all around myself such as washing clothes and home works in my vocation, and even want to try hire out for work, so that I can get some (8) perceptions, but (9) the social life is (10) just so simple?
In fact, I am the roles of pygmy like "Hengheng" and "Jiji" which are (11) changed into complicated by life that means there is (12) no any simple and straight ways (13) here. If you were learned some skills in need that's not enough, and to deal with the intricate interpersonal relationships would more difficult than specific working problems, and to (14) grab a social status would more difficult than to create any achievements. For example, many people who studied lectures (15) behind me but went so far as to become "tutors", but I had to (16) feel ashamed of their inferiority.
People can learn from mice but can't change themselves into mice, however, we can do and must do is to exploit (17) something which maybe rebuild us to (18) Somebody. At last, I (19)picked on "Jiji" as my model and prepare for a (20) new marching. I didn't care for "Hengheng", because he never took a step again and got nothing at last.
"(21) Owned the related ways before you get the cheeses", that is my conclusion.
Comments:
One of the basic principles of writing is to think of your reader as you write. In several different ways, this writer failed to keep his audience in mind. First, when you mention names, you must explain who the people are. Maybe Chinese readers know who Xiuxiu, Congcong, Hengheng and Jiji are. If all of the readers are Chinese, then the writer should write in Chinese! However, if the writer writes in English, maybe someone from another country will read it. The writer must describe the mice and pygmies clearly or there will be misunderstandings.
The second way that the writer fails to help the audience is by misusing pronounds and adverbs. For example, in number (3), what is "it"? I am not sure if "it" refers to cheese or life. In number (7), does the writer mean cheese, the series, or work achievement? In number (13), where is "here", and in number (15), why are there people studying "behind" him? I have no idea what number (17), "something" maybe be, or who number (18), "somebody" maybe be. All of these mistakes leave the reader confused.
The third way that the writer fails to help the audience is by creating expressions that are unclear. Perhaps expressions such as (5 ) "none of any cheese", (10) "just so simple", (11) "changed into complicated", (12) "no any simple", (14) "grab a social status", (20) "new marching", and (21) "Owned the related ways", are clear to the writer, but I have no idea what these words mean! Every writer must be sure to use words and expressions that the readers can understand. Be clear in your writing at all times.
The writer also made some basic mistakes that distract from the meaning of the sentences. Number (1) should be "children's story". It is not for one child only, nor was it written by one child. Number (2) is missing a verb. Perhaps the writer wanted to write "it can also be enjoyed by everyone". Number (4), "I admitted the university" sounds very funny, as though the writer let the university come into his home! Of course, it should be "I was admitted to the university". Number (6), "found it out" is a common problem for many students. "Find" and "find out" are very different. We use "find" when we search for something and then we remember where it is. On the other hand, "find out" is to learn something new, without looking for something that we lost. So in this case, the writer is talking about "finding his cheese", not "finding out (learning) about cheese".
Numbers (8) and (9) are both too vague. We perceive every minute that we are awake. What "perceptions" are these? And what kind of "social life" does the writer mean? Whose social life? Number (16), "feel ashamed of their inferiority" needs to be explained. Why should the writer feel ashamed of other people working? Perhaps they could have done better, or maybe they are of a higher social class than average tutors. Unless the writer explains, the reader will never know. Number (19) is another commone mistake. The expression "pick on" means to tease somebody. The writer should write "pick", which means "choose".
Revised Composition:
(Note: Since I have not read the book "Where is my cheese?", and I cannot understand the writer's ideas, this revised composition is a very rough approximation of what the writer could have written.)
Where, or WHAT, is my cheese?
There is a popular little book of only 90 pages called, Who Moved My Cheese? Although it seems like a children's story, it is meant for adults. The problem I face in my life is not, "Where is my cheese?". The problem I face is "WHAT is my cheese?".
In the book, cheese is a symbol of what we are trying to find in life. As a student my cheese was always high test scores. Now as a worker, the next cheese seems to be to find a way to make a living. After I get that cheese, I will probably pursue the cheese of achievement. There will be a whole series of cheeses during my life, and I don't know what to do or how to focus my attention on one goal.
I wonder if I can become like the two mice in the book. Mice can smell different varieties of cheese which motivates them to act. Or maybe I can be like the two pygmies in the book who changed their lives from complex to simple. If, like them, I could develop basic skills that help me deal with intricate interpersonal relationships then perhaps I could increase my social status. That may be more valuable than any achievements at work.
Of course, I can't change myself into mice or pygmies. Instead, I will have to reread the book "Who Moved My Cheese?", so that I can understand the meaning behind the symbols. Then, perhaps, I will not only know where my cheese is, I will also know WHAT my cheese is. Wish me good luck!
Student Composition:
My Dream , My World
I often dream the same dream: I am driving together with my mother on a (1) stretched straight path . The birds are singing and (2) playing around the car, the flowers are (3) opening (4) richly (5) which decorate the land. The breeze is flirting with (6) our hair, my long, black waterfall and my mother�s short gray hair.
This is a lovely dream from which I never want to wake up. (7) Pu Shu also has a dream, � Gently you passed, like a gust of wind . The instant you touched me I suddenly want to go far far away, to see the colorful world with you.� We have different dreams but meanwhile we have the same carrier to (8) carry our dreams. (9) That is �car�. You may say I am (10) desperately want a car to fulfill my dream , (11) as a matter of fact ,you are wrong ,because I do have a car , the best car in the world, (12) whose brand is not �Lincoln �, not �Mercedes (13) Bench � , but �MOTHER�.
Obviously, my car is a special one, but it (14) consists of things with which you (15) can�t be too familiar. Firstly, I have the best engine in the world. (16) That is mother�s HEART. It can be started whenever (17) in need because children are mothers� (18) haunts forever. (19) Mother� s heart can (20) start you, can support you, can spur you forward, (21) which is perpetual.
(22) Next to it, I have the best steering wheel. (23) That is mother�s MOUTH. When I am in a (24) mess, it always tells me the truth and guides me out of it; when I am lost, it always points out the right direction; when I am in the wrong, it always gives me the best (25) guidance.
Moreover, the wheels are extremely important. If a car has no wheels, how can it run? (26) Roll like a ball or slip like a train? Here, I have wheels which will never be broken. (27) That is mother�s BACK. Though it is not too strong, it can shift a mountain (28) on; though it is not too straight, it can straighten for me all the roads and streets. It (29) rolled and rolled, mother�s youth (30) was rolled away while my youth blossoms on mother�s back. The cab is also unique. (31) That is mother�s BOSOM. When I am tired, it always gives me the most (32) warmest embrace and comfort ; when lonely , it (33) can always be there to accompany me; when in desperation, it always gives me hope and courage to look forward. Indeed, it is the safest bay after (34) great storm and hurricane, it is the warmest place after severe coldness.
That is my car, priceless and unparalleled. Do I envy the ones driving a car? Yes. But that is temporary. (35) I receive the eternal envy for I deeply know my mother is the best one, the greatest one in the world in my eye. MOTHER is a word which means the world to me. I love my mother.
Comments
The writer has attempted a rather difficult comparison between the key parts of a car and her mother. She comes up with some very imaginative language, for example, when she writes that her "youth blossoms on mother's back" or when she describes her hair as a "long, black waterfall". Although there are few major mistakes in this composition, there are far too many small mistakes. The frequent mistakes in word usage and grammar leave the reader wondering which expressions are intentional (but awkward) attempts at creative writing and which are real mistakes.
Item (1) is a perfect example. With fewer mistakes, the writer may have been able to establish a creative mood, so that "a stretched, straight path" could be understood as a symbol, perhaps representing life. Instead, it stands by itself and simply appears strange. In item (2), it seems odd to use the word "playing" with birds. It gives the impression the birds are standing by the side of the road, not flying in the air. It seems the car is also not moving, so the people in the car can passively sit and watch the birds.
There are too many errors to give detailed comments on each, so I will only list brief corrections here:
(3) Flowers "bloom" rather than just "open".
(4) Specific details should be given, rather than the vague word "richly".
(5) It is not the "richly which", but the "flowers which" - word positioning is important!
(6) Good imagery, but there are many wasted words in this sentence. It could be shorter to make a stronger impact.
(7) Readers of an English essay may not all know Pu Shu. Some brief explanation should be given.
(8) Of course a carrier carries. We can drop the verb.
(9) This is not a complete English sentence. "This carrier is a car" would be more clear.
(10) Either "I desperately want" or "I am desperate to have" would be okay.
(11) This is a completely unnecessary phrase.
(12) "Whose" and "brand" do not fit together in this sentence.
(13) This is not a bench that you can sit on, it is a name, Benz.
(14) A car does not "consist" of things, but is made up of many parts. "Things" is also far too vague.
(15) An expression like "you can't be too..." has the meaning of "should". Does the writer mean we "should try to be more familiar" with her mother?
(16) Same as item (9).
(17) Whenever WHO is in need? It is not clear at all.
(18) "Haunt" sounds like a ghost! What a terrible mother!
(19) Is this "A mother's heart" or "My mother's heart"? The meaning will change depending on which one, but the reader is left to guess.
(20) If your mother "starts" you, then YOU are the car. Very confusing!
(21)"Forward" is not perpetual. To modify the verb "spur", use an adverb such as "perpetually".
(22) Next to what? The forward movement? The spurring action? In order to be clear, you must be specific.
(23) Same as item (9).
(24) "A mess" sounds unclean or untidy. I think the writer means something more serious, such as "trouble".
(25) The writer already used the verb guide. Find a different idea, rather than just a different form of a word.
(26) "Roll like a ball" sounds like a command. Should the reader try to roll like a ball? A complete sentence is needed here to be clear.
(27) Same as item (9).
(28) "Move mountains" is a well-known expression. There is no need for the word "on", which is just confusing.
(29) Does "it" mean the mountain, or the road the writer is on?
(30) "Was rolled away" leaves me wondering WHO rolled it away?
(31) Same as item (9).
(32) Of course, we do not need both "most" and "warmest". With a one-syllable word, use the "est" form.
(33) If we say "it can", then it's a possibility. However, I guess the writer wants to say it will ALWAYS be there.
(34) An article is missing - "after a great storm".
(35) We do not "receive" envy. Somebody feels envy or "is envious" of us.
This essay is a good attempt at practicing a difficult technique. However, if this is the finished composition, much more care needs to be taken in choosing words and grammatical expressions.
Revised Composition
I often dream of driving with my mother down a long, straight road, a road that stretches as far as the eye can see. Birds are joyously flittering around the car, singing. Flowers in splendorous full bloom decorate the landscape. The breeze is flirting with my mother's short gray hair, and with my long, black waterfall. It is a lovely dream, from which I never wish to wake. Many people in this world dream of having a car. I now realize that I have a car not only in my dream, but in reality. My car is the best car in the world. It is not a Lincoln, Audi or Mercedes Benz. I call my car "Mother".
It is clear that my car is a special one, but it includes several features with which you may not be familiar. To begin with, my car has the best engine in the world. This engine is my mother's heart. This engine never fails, because mothers never fail their children. My mother's heart supports me when I am in need and keeps me perpetually moving forward. To guide the engine, my car has an excellent steering wheel in the form of my mother's mouth. When I am in trouble, it always tells me the way out. When I am lost, this steering wheel turns me in the right direction. When I am wrong, it gently sets me right.
Of course, on a car, good tires are essential. Cars without tires cannot roll like a ball or ride rails like a train. Fortunately, my car has tires which can never be deflated. These tires are my mother's back. Though it is not exceptionally strong, it can move mountains. Though it is starting to curve with age, it straightens all the roads and streets of my life. As my mother's youth rolls away on aging tires, my youth blossoms on my mother's back.
The cab of my car is also unique. The cab is my mother's bosom. When I am tired, the cab of my car protects me in a warm and comfortable embrace. When I am lonely, it accompanies me wherever I go. When I feel desperate, it gives me hope and courage. My mother's cab is the safest harbor from a storm and the warmest place during a severe winter.
This is my car, priceless and unparelleled. Sometimes I envy those drivers who have their own car. But this feeling is temporary. On the other hand, others are eternally envious of me because I have the best car in the world. "Mother" is a word that means the world to me. I love my car, my mother.
Student Composition:
Self confidence, you help me a lot
(See Corrections and Revised Composition Below.)
My friends often ask me the same question �why are you so (1) blithe all day?� I think the answer is simple --- (2) it owns a great debt to self-confidence.
(3) When it comes to self confidence, someone will call it (4) �conceited� and I guess it is, but it really makes me feel at ease (5) I am doing something.
I still remember my first experience of an English Competition: 3 years ago, I was (6) singled out by my classmates to take part in a Speaking-English competition. When I went up to the stage, I had butterflies in my stomach. All at once, my mother�s words came to me. �If you want to do something with style, it costs nothing but self confidence.� Since I had the chance to stand here, it meant that I had the ability. (7) �Restore to balance.� I said to myself. �Don�t you forget that you have (8) drawn yourself in preparing this competition for a long time? You are the best.� Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I flattered myself. I began to speak. The feeling was wonderful. All the (9) audiences applauded after my speech. I was successful!
The self confidence helped me (10) win the success. My courage and optimism are all based on it. We will be faced with different difficulties occasionally and unavoidably in the future. If we come to terms with them, we are (11) bound to fail. Taking it for granted that we are capable of handling them will (12) benefit to build up confidence and success.
My friends, why not have self confidence? We are not (13) the most excellent, but we always do out best to achieve our aims, don�t we? Self confidence will add happiness (14) into our own lives.
Comments
The writer's sentence structure is not too bad, so the message is communicated fairly effectively. However, the misuse of many words and expressions sounds strange and is often confusing.
(1) The word blithe is used today only in certain, limited expressions, and then mostly in written English, not spoken English. The writer's friends will more likely say "carefree". Also, instead of "all day", the writer's friends probably mean "every day".
(2) The expression is "owe a debt", not "own".
(3) The whole phrase is unnecessary. It would be better just to say "Some people may call self-confidence 'conceit'".
(4) The noun form is "conceit". In addition, it seems strange to say "someone will". It's a possibility, not a certainty, so "someone may" is better.
(5) A clause connector is missing here. Perhaps the writer meant to use "when I am doing something". Also, "something" is too vague. The writer could improve it by changing it to "when I am trying to accomplish something" or "when I have a difficult task to face", etc.
(6) "Be singled out" is a special expression that should be used only in special situations. It gives the impression that something is either extremely good or extremely bad. The simple word "chosen" is more appropriate.
(7) "Restore to balance" has no meaning in English. "Unbalanced" in English can mean "crazy", so I don't think it's safe to write something like "become balanced". "Balance yourself", on the other hand, sounds like a physical action. A common expression used in American English under similar circumstances would be "Get a hold of yourself".
(8) I also can't imagine why the writer chose the expression "drawn yourself". Why not just "you have prepared for this competition"? Some students try to add unnecessary words in order to sound impressive, but often end up getting just the opposite result.
(9) Obviously, "audience" is a non-count noun so the "s" is not needed.
(10) I think I can understand what the writer means by "win the success". Probably the meaning is simply "succeed", although it's also possible the writer meant "win the competition".
(11) Writing "bound to fail" was probably a mistake made while the writer was tired. The writer either meant "we are bound to succeed" or "if we do NOT come to terms with them, we are bound to fail".
(12) "Benefit to build up confidence and success" should be changed to simply "build confidence and lead to success".
(13) "We are not the most excellent" sounds a bit odd. Again, we cannot be certain, so "We may not" is better. "Most excellent" should just be replaced by "best".
(14) The expression "add happiness into" is unnatural. If the writer keeps the idea of "adding happiness", then the word "in" instead of "into" is correct. However, the whole expression could be made better. For example, we could write "make our lives happier".
It seems the writer's self confidence is a double-edged sword. Confidence can help us do more in our lives, but it can also lead to careless mistakes. You should be confident, but also be a bit careful. Then you will have the best of both worlds.
Revised Essay
The Value of Self Confidence
My friends often ask me, "Joe, why are you so carefree all the time?". The answer is quite simple. I owe my carefree attitude to self confidence. Now, some people may say that self confidence is a form of conceit, and they may be right. However, my self confidence allows me to feel relaxed no matter how difficult a task I face, so it is extremely valuable to me.
I remember the first time I partipated in an English competition. Three years ago, my classmates chose me to speak in an English competition at our school. When I went onstage, I had butterflies in my stomach. Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me: "If you want to do something, it costs nothing but self confidence". Since I was chosen to be there, it meant I must have the ability to succeed. "Get a hold of yourself", I said silently. "You have prepared for this competition for the past three months. You are the best". Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I spoke to myself with such confidence. I began to speak onstage - the feeling was wonderful. The whole audience applauded afterwards. I was successful!
Without my self confidence, I could not have succeeded. My courage and optimism are based on this self confidence. Various difficulties will certainly come into our lives from time to time in the future. If we face those difficulties, if we come to terms with them, we are bound to succeed. Knowing that we are capable of handling any difficulty will build our confidence and lead to success.
So, my friends, be confident! Even if you're not the best, it doesn't matter. Don't you always do your best to achieve your aims? Of course you do. That's enough to give you confidence, and confidence will make you happier.
Student Composition:
Three Passions I Live For
(See Teacher's Comments and Revised Composition Below.)
Looking back on my past twenty years full of passions (1) and enthusiasm, I feel grateful and (2) to live a healthy and happy life. There are a lot of qualities I have learnt from ordinary life that guided me through. If I am asked to list the first three, I will put health, happiness of my family and enough financial support (3) as the passions I live for.
Health comes first for me. Without health, everything is meaningless. It is indispensable to everyone (4). Only when one is healthy can he start his own career, set up his own family and achieve any accomplishment (5). I always value health and regard it as the preliminary step (6) to possess a happy family and earn enough money.
Happiness of my family (7) is very important to me because I love my family wholeheartedly. I get pleasure in their joys and suffer what they suffer. Their infinite love and support motivate me to overcome any trouble or obstacle (8) I may meet. To make those I love happy is the biggest wish for me. What would millions of money (9) mean to me if I saw my family suffer from pain and agony (10)? Now that I�ve got a healthy body, I have plenty of time and opportunities to entertain my family. Then money comes third. (11)
Everyone must admit that they could never do without money (12). Money enables us to get food, a house for shelter, clothes to wear and furthermore (13) enjoyment. For example, with money, we can get a good education, travel around the world and receive fine medical treatment. Money is essential to satisfy our basic needs as well as further self-development.
As long as I am healthy, I�ll work hard to earn as much money as I can, then with it I buy substances (14) or services to make (15) my family live more comfortably. If everything goes on (16) smoothly, I�ll be absolutely the happiest girl in the world!
Teacher's Comments
(1) "Passion" is normally a non-count noun, especially in this expression, "full of passion". In any case, the word "passion" itself is not really appropriate considering the three ideas being expressed. Health and wealth are mentioned as necessities which add to the writer's quality of life, but they are not really "passions". If the writer loved to go the gym every single day of the week and practiced yoga, weight training, along with various other sports, then it might be called "a passion". "Wealth" is also "a passion" for some people who really do seem to live for money. They want all the money they can get - more, more, MORE! That's passion. This writer doesn't live for money, however, she only uses money to help her live a better life. For her, money is a tool, not a passion.
(2) Perhaps the word "and" was added by mistake. I think the writer wanted to write something like "I feel grateful for the chance to have lived a healthy and happy life". If the writer wants to keep "and", then a sentence such as "I feel grateful and happy to have lived a healthy life". "And" should connect two similar words or ideas.
(3) "Support" is what somebody, or some thing, gives to you. When I read "enough financial support", I think the writer wants support from her parents or maybe from the government. "Enough finances" or "sufficient finances" would be better, but the writer could even use the simple expression "enough money". It's better to use a simple word such as "money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances" incorrectly.
(4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two sentences, only using different words. The writer's message is "Health is important. Health is important. Health is important." It seems the writer is just trying to show off her knowledge of English without communicating any message. In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out completely.
(5) This is far too general. It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring. The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real achievement or not. The writer should give examples of achievements that she has achieved or hopes to achieve.
(6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear. There might be many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so important.
(7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay to write it this way. However, the second time it is used, "my family's happiness" is much more natural. If the writer insists on using this awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The happiness of my family...".
(8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words "trouble" and "obstacle".
(9) "Money" is a non-count noun. We could say "millions of dollars", "millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan". Another possibility would be "a large amount of money".
(10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation. Writing "suffer from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and suffering". The writer could change this to "living in pain and agony" or "experiencing pain and agony".
(11) This is a fair attempt at a transition to the next paragraph, but it could be better. See the revised essay for examples of smooth transitions between paragraphs.
(12) This sentence communicates nothing and should be cut.
(13) It is not clear what the writer is trying to say by using the word "furthermore" here. Maybe she means, "beyond these necessities", or something similar. The word "furthermore" could also be cut with no replacement, and the meaning would come through more clearly.
(14) "Substances" sounds like raw materials, especially chemicals or drugs. The writer should use specific goods and services in order to communicate her message.
(15) The word "make" sounds like the family will be forced to live more comfortably, against their will. "Allow" is a more appropriate word.
(16) This should be simplified to "goes smoothly" to make it idiomatically correct. It's still too vague. The writer would do even better to express what she means by "go smoothly" by giving examples.
Teacher’s Revised Essay
"Keys to Happiness"
Looking back on the first twenty years of my life, lived with passion, energy and enthusiasm, I feel grateful to have been so healthy and happy. I owe my happiness to so many people and lucky events, but there are three key, fundamental factors that have guided me and supported me in my life. Those three keys to life are my physical health, healthy finances, and my family's happiness.
Health comes first for me, because without health everthing else is meaningless. Imagine starting a career without good health. Imagine starting a family without good health. Imagine achieving anything without good health. Clearly, good health is a basic, fundamental prerequisite for every other aspect of one's life.
Good health is not enough to be happy. We still need to have money in today's society. Money obviously pays for the basic necessities of life - food, housing, clothing - but is also necessary for other reasons. The amount of money we have at our disposal determines the quality of education we can receive. Money guarantees we will always get adequate medical treatment if the need arises. We can also use money for travel and other entertainment that can add to our quality of life.
When we have both our health and healthy finances, we can turn our attention to the most important factor in having a happy life. Family is the most important factor because it provides the love, joy and support that everybody needs. I love my family with all my heart. I get pleasure from their pleasure. I suffer when they suffer. My family helped me get through the tremendous pressure of entrance exams. They consoled and advised me when I had misunderstandings with my friends. More importantly, they were there to share in my successes throughout the past twenty years.
These three factors are all that I need and want in this world. As long as I stay healthy, work hard to earn as much money as I can, and then use my health and wealth to share both good times and bad times with my family, I will always be the happiest girl in the world.
Student Composition :
The Greatest Invention in My Eyes
About 5000 years ago today (1) in ancient Egypt, thousands of people were building pyramids for their King. As we all know, at that time there was no machine (2). Then you will wonder how could they carry so many huge stones? How could they create such splendid pyramids? How could they create such a miracle? Well, the answer is the wheel (3). Wheel makes everything possible.
So in my eyes wheel is the greatest invention. Maybe you will challenge me,�wheel is so common that everybody takes it for granted. Why do you think is the greatest invention?� (4) Actually, wheel has been playing an important role in every aspect of people�s life from antiquity to today.
As everyone knows, wheel makes traveling much easier. In ancient time, people traveled on foot. It wasted too much time. People often felt very tired. And also I think it�s a damage to the shoes (5). Don�t you think so? Then a clever man thought of the wheel and the horse. He put them together, and the first cart was born. It saved time and stamina (6) as well.
When the Industrial Revolution began, more and more vehicles sprang up. You can (7) see cars shuttling on the road. You can (7) see trains running on the rail. You can (7) even see some planes hovering in the sky. Dear friends, can you imagine traveling without these vehicles? Can you imagine vehicles without wheels?
Wheel�s important role is not only in traveling, but also in industry. With the wheel�s help, the crane can lift many heavy things at one time. In factory (8), you can find gears (toothed wheels) in every machine. Gears are so essential that we can�t work efficiently without them.
Wheel is also closely linked with our daily life. With the development of technology, talented people make full use of the wheel. They invent many household electrical appliances to improve our living standard, such as washing machine (9), air conditioner (9)and microwave oven (9). All of these have improved people�s life dramatically.
My dear friends, what if without (10) wheels? We all can�t imagine. Right? Now you must understand why I think the wheel is the greatest invention. Aristotle (11) once said,�give me a lever, (12) I can lever up the earth.� Today I can also say, �give me a wheel, I can change the world!�
Teacher's Comments:
This composition is very well organized, making it easy to read and very clear. It also has good sentence structure with only very minor problems. However, for this composition, I would have to give the writer a zero. Why? Read my comments below.
(1) This expression suggests that it was "about" 5000 years ago compared to this date exactly. We don't really know what they were doing in September of the year 3005 B.C., so the writer should drop "today".
(2) Of course, this should be "there were no machines".
(3) This is good. The writer uses the general expression "the wheel". However, this should be used EVERY time, not just once.
(4) This is where the composition fails. The writer is simply putting up a straw horse and will then knock it down. This is much too easy. Instead of making such a weak statement and arguing against it, the writer should defend his premise against the best argument he can think of. For example, as you can see in the revised composition, the writer could consider other great inventions, such as the printing press or the computer chip, and show that the wheel is still the greatest.
(5) We don't say "it's a damage" in English, and I suspect walking all the time affected more than just shoes. Maybe the writer could say something like "this also caused many problems for people's feet".
(6) We can save time and we can save energy, but we can't save stamina.
(7) The beginning of the Industrial Revolution was in the past, so the writer should use "could" instead of "can".
(8) This is not just in one factory, so the plural, "factories", should be used.
(9) These should either be made plural or the definite article "the" should be added before each item.
(10) This should be "what would the world be without the wheel?".
(11) Actually, this famous sentence was spoken by Archimedes, not Aristotle.
(12) The actual quote is "Give me a lever LONG ENOUGH...".
The small mistakes aren't so important here, but remember, writing is for communicating. Don't waste your talent on overly simple, meaningless arguments. Find something interesting to say, then use your talents to communicate!
Revised Composition:
The Greatest Invention in History
Thousands of years ago in ancient Egypt, people built pyramids for the Pharoah. At that time there were no machines, so how could they move such huge stones? How could they create such splendid pyramids? How could they create such a miracle? The answer, of course, is the wheel. The wheel makes everything possible. Now, you may challenge this assertion. "The wheel is far too simple," you may say. "Inventions such as the printing press and the computer chip have done much more to change the world." I have to disagree with you. Let me explain why.
The common uses of the wheel are obvious. Rather than travel on foot or on horse, we have learned to travel by horse-drawn carriages, cars, trains and now airplanes and rockets. The Industrial Revolution could never have occured without the wheel. Not only do industrial machines, such as we find in factories, or home appliances such as washing machines and air conditioners, depend on the wheel, even the printing press that brought learning to the masses depended on gears - toothed wheels! - to work. In other words, though the printing press was important, it simply couldn't exist without the wheel.
The computer chip also would not be the useful device it is, without the help of the wheel. The computer chip itself may not use a wheel or gear directly, but peripheral devices such as printers and disk drives do. Without the wheel, we could in theory have a powerful computing device. However, we wouldn't be able to save our work or show it to other people! Without the invention of the wheel, the computer would be next to useless.
So, can you imagine a world without the wheel? Can you imagine a world without long-distance travel? Can you imagine a world without a printing press to communicate the best writing in the world? Can you imagine a world with no useful computers? Everything that came after the wheel, and everything that is to come, depends on the greatest invention in history. The wheel!
Student Composition :
An Unforgettable Experience
It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely (1) down my cheeks.
When I was young, my family led a poor life in country (2). That evening (3), the weather was very bad, it rained cats and dogs (4). Just at the evening (5), my families (6) were on our way home. Dad held me on his back, Mom held my elder brother�s hand, and held the only umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you know (7), the road of country is difficult for people to walk, especially in rainy days. However, they waded (8) together like this (9) in the rain. But I wasn�t comfortable either. I was fat at that time, perhaps it was hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time, for he had almost fallen down (10) for several times (11). In order to decrease the weight to Dad, tried to hold myself-----just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing (12).
When we arrived home, the inner of our house was raining (13) too. Rain dropped from the bad roof everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs at the right places for rain. Then she put me and my elder brother on dry places of bed (14). I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, they caught a bad cold.
This is the earliest memory in my mind, and luckily, it is nothing but my parents� love, I touched parents� great love (15) for the first time. Though the evening went away (16), and now we live a happy life, I won�t forget the rain we lived through together, the evening will stay in my mind forever.
Comments:
The basic ideas of this composition are very clear and well-written. It is well-organized and easy to read. However, there are many small mistakes that could be improved. As with most students' compositions, more specific details would have also made it much better.
(1) "whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely down my cheeks" "Whenever" means anytime, which could also be now or in the future, so we should use "flow" rather than the past tense.
(2) "in country" This should be "in the country".
(3) "That evening" "That" refers back to a previously mentioned evening, but the writer didn't mention an evening before. It would be better to write "One evening".
(4) "it rained cats and dogs" Many students rely too much on old, worn-out phrases. Good writing is fresh and includes concrete details. The writer could try something like this: "It had rained hard all day and the old, dirt roads were flooded with water".
(5) "Just at the evening" This should be "In the evening".
(6) "my families" We all have only one family. "My family and I" or "All the members of my family and I" would be better.
(7) "as you know" This phrase is very rarely used and should be reserved for a time when we truly want to emphasize that our readers are aware of a certain fact. In this case, I actually do NOT know that country roads are all difficult to walk on.
(8) "waded" It sounds as though the water was very deep. If that was true, the writer should have already told us "the water covering the road was more than 50cm deep", or something similar. If it is not true, then the writer could write "walked through the heavy rain".
(9) "together like this" "Like this" refers back to a way of walking, but the writer described the country road in the previous sentence, not how they were walking.
(10) "he had almost fallen down" This should be "he almost fell down". We only use "had fallen" if we want to emphasize a previous time when he almost fell. For example, "He had almost fallen down several times before, so now his steps were especially careful".
(11) "for several times" We do not need "for" in this case.
(12) "just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing" I have no idea what this means! What is "in mind"? Whose mind is it in? What sound was made? What could it have done if it hadn't done nothing? The whole sentence is very confusing.
(13) "the inner of our house was raining" This sounds as though there were rain clouds inside the house, perhaps with lightning and thunder! Of course, the inside of the house was probably only full of rain water.
(14) "put me on dry places of bed" This should be "put me on a dry spot on the bed".
(15) "I touched parents' great love" "Touch" is not the right word. Maybe "realize", "understood" or possibly "came in touch with" would better express the writer's feeling.
(16) "the evening went away" Evenings do not go away. We could say "the evening ended" or "the evening came to an end".
Revised Composition:
My First Unforgettable Evening
It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, tears flow freely down my cheeks.
When I was young, my family led a poor life in the country. One evening we were visiting some relatives and the weather was very bad. It rained so hard that the roads were flooded with water. On our way home that evening, my Dad carried me on his back. My Mom held my elder brother�s hand, and held an umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you can imagine, many country roads are difficult to walk on. This road was especially bad after the rain. However, we trudged together through the mud and the rain for more than an hour.
Though I was on my Dad's back, I wasn�t comfortable either. I was fat at that time and it may have been hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time. He almost fell down four or five times. In hopes of decreasing my father's burden, I tried to "carry" myself, through force of will alone. That may sound funny, but I was just a kid. Of course, I achieved nothing.
When we arrived home, the inside of our house was covered with rain water. The rain had come through our leaky roof and puddles were everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs all around the house to try to catch the rain. Then she put me and my elder brother to bed, carefully placing us on the remaining dry spots. I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, both having caught bad colds.
This is my very earliest memory, and luckily, it represents nothing but my parents� love. I realized the depth of my parents� great love for the first time. Though the evening has long since passed, and now we live a happy life, I won�t forget the rain we lived through together. The rain, that evening, and especially my parents' love, will stay in my mind forever.
Student Composition :
Where is my cheese?
This booklet of 90 pages Who Moved My Cheese? is a (1) child's story but (2) also for everyone, and the problem I face to is: What is my cheese?
Life is a labyrinth, and cheese is a symbol of what we must to find, pursue in (3) it. From primary school, my cheese is test marks, now, I (4) admitted the college, and gone through my self-examination I paid too much for this cheese. But as the booklet said, (5) none of any cheese was exactly belongs to us; it disappeared when we (6) found it out. That means the marks are not a cheese for my whole life, and the next cheese is my means of livelihood, and when I get it, the next is my work achievement. There is a series of cheeses in front of me, and I don't know what to do with (7) it.
I wonder if I can make myself change into the roles of mice "Xiuxiu" and "Congcong", because they can smell varieties of flavor in advance and pull themselves in action, so I did some odd jobs all around myself such as washing clothes and home works in my vocation, and even want to try hire out for work, so that I can get some (8) perceptions, but (9) the social life is (10) just so simple?
In fact, I am the roles of pygmy like "Hengheng" and "Jiji" which are (11) changed into complicated by life that means there is (12) no any simple and straight ways (13) here. If you were learned some skills in need that's not enough, and to deal with the intricate interpersonal relationships would more difficult than specific working problems, and to (14) grab a social status would more difficult than to create any achievements. For example, many people who studied lectures (15) behind me but went so far as to become "tutors", but I had to (16) feel ashamed of their inferiority.
People can learn from mice but can't change themselves into mice, however, we can do and must do is to exploit (17) something which maybe rebuild us to (18) Somebody. At last, I (19)picked on "Jiji" as my model and prepare for a (20) new marching. I didn't care for "Hengheng", because he never took a step again and got nothing at last.
"(21) Owned the related ways before you get the cheeses", that is my conclusion.
Comments:
One of the basic principles of writing is to think of your reader as you write. In several different ways, this writer failed to keep his audience in mind. First, when you mention names, you must explain who the people are. Maybe Chinese readers know who Xiuxiu, Congcong, Hengheng and Jiji are. If all of the readers are Chinese, then the writer should write in Chinese! However, if the writer writes in English, maybe someone from another country will read it. The writer must describe the mice and pygmies clearly or there will be misunderstandings.
The second way that the writer fails to help the audience is by misusing pronounds and adverbs. For example, in number (3), what is "it"? I am not sure if "it" refers to cheese or life. In number (7), does the writer mean cheese, the series, or work achievement? In number (13), where is "here", and in number (15), why are there people studying "behind" him? I have no idea what number (17), "something" maybe be, or who number (18), "somebody" maybe be. All of these mistakes leave the reader confused.
The third way that the writer fails to help the audience is by creating expressions that are unclear. Perhaps expressions such as (5 ) "none of any cheese", (10) "just so simple", (11) "changed into complicated", (12) "no any simple", (14) "grab a social status", (20) "new marching", and (21) "Owned the related ways", are clear to the writer, but I have no idea what these words mean! Every writer must be sure to use words and expressions that the readers can understand. Be clear in your writing at all times.
The writer also made some basic mistakes that distract from the meaning of the sentences. Number (1) should be "children's story". It is not for one child only, nor was it written by one child. Number (2) is missing a verb. Perhaps the writer wanted to write "it can also be enjoyed by everyone". Number (4), "I admitted the university" sounds very funny, as though the writer let the university come into his home! Of course, it should be "I was admitted to the university". Number (6), "found it out" is a common problem for many students. "Find" and "find out" are very different. We use "find" when we search for something and then we remember where it is. On the other hand, "find out" is to learn something new, without looking for something that we lost. So in this case, the writer is talking about "finding his cheese", not "finding out (learning) about cheese".
Numbers (8) and (9) are both too vague. We perceive every minute that we are awake. What "perceptions" are these? And what kind of "social life" does the writer mean? Whose social life? Number (16), "feel ashamed of their inferiority" needs to be explained. Why should the writer feel ashamed of other people working? Perhaps they could have done better, or maybe they are of a higher social class than average tutors. Unless the writer explains, the reader will never know. Number (19) is another commone mistake. The expression "pick on" means to tease somebody. The writer should write "pick", which means "choose".
Revised Composition:
(Note: Since I have not read the book "Where is my cheese?", and I cannot understand the writer's ideas, this revised composition is a very rough approximation of what the writer could have written.)
Where, or WHAT, is my cheese?
There is a popular little book of only 90 pages called, Who Moved My Cheese? Although it seems like a children's story, it is meant for adults. The problem I face in my life is not, "Where is my cheese?". The problem I face is "WHAT is my cheese?".
In the book, cheese is a symbol of what we are trying to find in life. As a student my cheese was always high test scores. Now as a worker, the next cheese seems to be to find a way to make a living. After I get that cheese, I will probably pursue the cheese of achievement. There will be a whole series of cheeses during my life, and I don't know what to do or how to focus my attention on one goal.
I wonder if I can become like the two mice in the book. Mice can smell different varieties of cheese which motivates them to act. Or maybe I can be like the two pygmies in the book who changed their lives from complex to simple. If, like them, I could develop basic skills that help me deal with intricate interpersonal relationships then perhaps I could increase my social status. That may be more valuable than any achievements at work.
Of course, I can't change myself into mice or pygmies. Instead, I will have to reread the book "Who Moved My Cheese?", so that I can understand the meaning behind the symbols. Then, perhaps, I will not only know where my cheese is, I will also know WHAT my cheese is. Wish me good luck!
Student Composition:
My Dream , My World
I often dream the same dream: I am driving together with my mother on a (1) stretched straight path . The birds are singing and (2) playing around the car, the flowers are (3) opening (4) richly (5) which decorate the land. The breeze is flirting with (6) our hair, my long, black waterfall and my mother�s short gray hair.
This is a lovely dream from which I never want to wake up. (7) Pu Shu also has a dream, � Gently you passed, like a gust of wind . The instant you touched me I suddenly want to go far far away, to see the colorful world with you.� We have different dreams but meanwhile we have the same carrier to (8) carry our dreams. (9) That is �car�. You may say I am (10) desperately want a car to fulfill my dream , (11) as a matter of fact ,you are wrong ,because I do have a car , the best car in the world, (12) whose brand is not �Lincoln �, not �Mercedes (13) Bench � , but �MOTHER�.
Obviously, my car is a special one, but it (14) consists of things with which you (15) can�t be too familiar. Firstly, I have the best engine in the world. (16) That is mother�s HEART. It can be started whenever (17) in need because children are mothers� (18) haunts forever. (19) Mother� s heart can (20) start you, can support you, can spur you forward, (21) which is perpetual.
(22) Next to it, I have the best steering wheel. (23) That is mother�s MOUTH. When I am in a (24) mess, it always tells me the truth and guides me out of it; when I am lost, it always points out the right direction; when I am in the wrong, it always gives me the best (25) guidance.
Moreover, the wheels are extremely important. If a car has no wheels, how can it run? (26) Roll like a ball or slip like a train? Here, I have wheels which will never be broken. (27) That is mother�s BACK. Though it is not too strong, it can shift a mountain (28) on; though it is not too straight, it can straighten for me all the roads and streets. It (29) rolled and rolled, mother�s youth (30) was rolled away while my youth blossoms on mother�s back. The cab is also unique. (31) That is mother�s BOSOM. When I am tired, it always gives me the most (32) warmest embrace and comfort ; when lonely , it (33) can always be there to accompany me; when in desperation, it always gives me hope and courage to look forward. Indeed, it is the safest bay after (34) great storm and hurricane, it is the warmest place after severe coldness.
That is my car, priceless and unparalleled. Do I envy the ones driving a car? Yes. But that is temporary. (35) I receive the eternal envy for I deeply know my mother is the best one, the greatest one in the world in my eye. MOTHER is a word which means the world to me. I love my mother.
Comments
The writer has attempted a rather difficult comparison between the key parts of a car and her mother. She comes up with some very imaginative language, for example, when she writes that her "youth blossoms on mother's back" or when she describes her hair as a "long, black waterfall". Although there are few major mistakes in this composition, there are far too many small mistakes. The frequent mistakes in word usage and grammar leave the reader wondering which expressions are intentional (but awkward) attempts at creative writing and which are real mistakes.
Item (1) is a perfect example. With fewer mistakes, the writer may have been able to establish a creative mood, so that "a stretched, straight path" could be understood as a symbol, perhaps representing life. Instead, it stands by itself and simply appears strange. In item (2), it seems odd to use the word "playing" with birds. It gives the impression the birds are standing by the side of the road, not flying in the air. It seems the car is also not moving, so the people in the car can passively sit and watch the birds.
There are too many errors to give detailed comments on each, so I will only list brief corrections here:
(3) Flowers "bloom" rather than just "open".
(4) Specific details should be given, rather than the vague word "richly".
(5) It is not the "richly which", but the "flowers which" - word positioning is important!
(6) Good imagery, but there are many wasted words in this sentence. It could be shorter to make a stronger impact.
(7) Readers of an English essay may not all know Pu Shu. Some brief explanation should be given.
(8) Of course a carrier carries. We can drop the verb.
(9) This is not a complete English sentence. "This carrier is a car" would be more clear.
(10) Either "I desperately want" or "I am desperate to have" would be okay.
(11) This is a completely unnecessary phrase.
(12) "Whose" and "brand" do not fit together in this sentence.
(13) This is not a bench that you can sit on, it is a name, Benz.
(14) A car does not "consist" of things, but is made up of many parts. "Things" is also far too vague.
(15) An expression like "you can't be too..." has the meaning of "should". Does the writer mean we "should try to be more familiar" with her mother?
(16) Same as item (9).
(17) Whenever WHO is in need? It is not clear at all.
(18) "Haunt" sounds like a ghost! What a terrible mother!
(19) Is this "A mother's heart" or "My mother's heart"? The meaning will change depending on which one, but the reader is left to guess.
(20) If your mother "starts" you, then YOU are the car. Very confusing!
(21)"Forward" is not perpetual. To modify the verb "spur", use an adverb such as "perpetually".
(22) Next to what? The forward movement? The spurring action? In order to be clear, you must be specific.
(23) Same as item (9).
(24) "A mess" sounds unclean or untidy. I think the writer means something more serious, such as "trouble".
(25) The writer already used the verb guide. Find a different idea, rather than just a different form of a word.
(26) "Roll like a ball" sounds like a command. Should the reader try to roll like a ball? A complete sentence is needed here to be clear.
(27) Same as item (9).
(28) "Move mountains" is a well-known expression. There is no need for the word "on", which is just confusing.
(29) Does "it" mean the mountain, or the road the writer is on?
(30) "Was rolled away" leaves me wondering WHO rolled it away?
(31) Same as item (9).
(32) Of course, we do not need both "most" and "warmest". With a one-syllable word, use the "est" form.
(33) If we say "it can", then it's a possibility. However, I guess the writer wants to say it will ALWAYS be there.
(34) An article is missing - "after a great storm".
(35) We do not "receive" envy. Somebody feels envy or "is envious" of us.
This essay is a good attempt at practicing a difficult technique. However, if this is the finished composition, much more care needs to be taken in choosing words and grammatical expressions.
Revised Composition
I often dream of driving with my mother down a long, straight road, a road that stretches as far as the eye can see. Birds are joyously flittering around the car, singing. Flowers in splendorous full bloom decorate the landscape. The breeze is flirting with my mother's short gray hair, and with my long, black waterfall. It is a lovely dream, from which I never wish to wake. Many people in this world dream of having a car. I now realize that I have a car not only in my dream, but in reality. My car is the best car in the world. It is not a Lincoln, Audi or Mercedes Benz. I call my car "Mother".
It is clear that my car is a special one, but it includes several features with which you may not be familiar. To begin with, my car has the best engine in the world. This engine is my mother's heart. This engine never fails, because mothers never fail their children. My mother's heart supports me when I am in need and keeps me perpetually moving forward. To guide the engine, my car has an excellent steering wheel in the form of my mother's mouth. When I am in trouble, it always tells me the way out. When I am lost, this steering wheel turns me in the right direction. When I am wrong, it gently sets me right.
Of course, on a car, good tires are essential. Cars without tires cannot roll like a ball or ride rails like a train. Fortunately, my car has tires which can never be deflated. These tires are my mother's back. Though it is not exceptionally strong, it can move mountains. Though it is starting to curve with age, it straightens all the roads and streets of my life. As my mother's youth rolls away on aging tires, my youth blossoms on my mother's back.
The cab of my car is also unique. The cab is my mother's bosom. When I am tired, the cab of my car protects me in a warm and comfortable embrace. When I am lonely, it accompanies me wherever I go. When I feel desperate, it gives me hope and courage. My mother's cab is the safest harbor from a storm and the warmest place during a severe winter.
This is my car, priceless and unparelleled. Sometimes I envy those drivers who have their own car. But this feeling is temporary. On the other hand, others are eternally envious of me because I have the best car in the world. "Mother" is a word that means the world to me. I love my car, my mother.
Student Composition:
Self confidence, you help me a lot
(See Corrections and Revised Composition Below.)
My friends often ask me the same question �why are you so (1) blithe all day?� I think the answer is simple --- (2) it owns a great debt to self-confidence.
(3) When it comes to self confidence, someone will call it (4) �conceited� and I guess it is, but it really makes me feel at ease (5) I am doing something.
I still remember my first experience of an English Competition: 3 years ago, I was (6) singled out by my classmates to take part in a Speaking-English competition. When I went up to the stage, I had butterflies in my stomach. All at once, my mother�s words came to me. �If you want to do something with style, it costs nothing but self confidence.� Since I had the chance to stand here, it meant that I had the ability. (7) �Restore to balance.� I said to myself. �Don�t you forget that you have (8) drawn yourself in preparing this competition for a long time? You are the best.� Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I flattered myself. I began to speak. The feeling was wonderful. All the (9) audiences applauded after my speech. I was successful!
The self confidence helped me (10) win the success. My courage and optimism are all based on it. We will be faced with different difficulties occasionally and unavoidably in the future. If we come to terms with them, we are (11) bound to fail. Taking it for granted that we are capable of handling them will (12) benefit to build up confidence and success.
My friends, why not have self confidence? We are not (13) the most excellent, but we always do out best to achieve our aims, don�t we? Self confidence will add happiness (14) into our own lives.
Comments
The writer's sentence structure is not too bad, so the message is communicated fairly effectively. However, the misuse of many words and expressions sounds strange and is often confusing.
(1) The word blithe is used today only in certain, limited expressions, and then mostly in written English, not spoken English. The writer's friends will more likely say "carefree". Also, instead of "all day", the writer's friends probably mean "every day".
(2) The expression is "owe a debt", not "own".
(3) The whole phrase is unnecessary. It would be better just to say "Some people may call self-confidence 'conceit'".
(4) The noun form is "conceit". In addition, it seems strange to say "someone will". It's a possibility, not a certainty, so "someone may" is better.
(5) A clause connector is missing here. Perhaps the writer meant to use "when I am doing something". Also, "something" is too vague. The writer could improve it by changing it to "when I am trying to accomplish something" or "when I have a difficult task to face", etc.
(6) "Be singled out" is a special expression that should be used only in special situations. It gives the impression that something is either extremely good or extremely bad. The simple word "chosen" is more appropriate.
(7) "Restore to balance" has no meaning in English. "Unbalanced" in English can mean "crazy", so I don't think it's safe to write something like "become balanced". "Balance yourself", on the other hand, sounds like a physical action. A common expression used in American English under similar circumstances would be "Get a hold of yourself".
(8) I also can't imagine why the writer chose the expression "drawn yourself". Why not just "you have prepared for this competition"? Some students try to add unnecessary words in order to sound impressive, but often end up getting just the opposite result.
(9) Obviously, "audience" is a non-count noun so the "s" is not needed.
(10) I think I can understand what the writer means by "win the success". Probably the meaning is simply "succeed", although it's also possible the writer meant "win the competition".
(11) Writing "bound to fail" was probably a mistake made while the writer was tired. The writer either meant "we are bound to succeed" or "if we do NOT come to terms with them, we are bound to fail".
(12) "Benefit to build up confidence and success" should be changed to simply "build confidence and lead to success".
(13) "We are not the most excellent" sounds a bit odd. Again, we cannot be certain, so "We may not" is better. "Most excellent" should just be replaced by "best".
(14) The expression "add happiness into" is unnatural. If the writer keeps the idea of "adding happiness", then the word "in" instead of "into" is correct. However, the whole expression could be made better. For example, we could write "make our lives happier".
It seems the writer's self confidence is a double-edged sword. Confidence can help us do more in our lives, but it can also lead to careless mistakes. You should be confident, but also be a bit careful. Then you will have the best of both worlds.
Revised Essay
The Value of Self Confidence
My friends often ask me, "Joe, why are you so carefree all the time?". The answer is quite simple. I owe my carefree attitude to self confidence. Now, some people may say that self confidence is a form of conceit, and they may be right. However, my self confidence allows me to feel relaxed no matter how difficult a task I face, so it is extremely valuable to me.
I remember the first time I partipated in an English competition. Three years ago, my classmates chose me to speak in an English competition at our school. When I went onstage, I had butterflies in my stomach. Suddenly, my mother's words came back to me: "If you want to do something, it costs nothing but self confidence". Since I was chosen to be there, it meant I must have the ability to succeed. "Get a hold of yourself", I said silently. "You have prepared for this competition for the past three months. You are the best". Strangely, my nervousness vanished after I spoke to myself with such confidence. I began to speak onstage - the feeling was wonderful. The whole audience applauded afterwards. I was successful!
Without my self confidence, I could not have succeeded. My courage and optimism are based on this self confidence. Various difficulties will certainly come into our lives from time to time in the future. If we face those difficulties, if we come to terms with them, we are bound to succeed. Knowing that we are capable of handling any difficulty will build our confidence and lead to success.
So, my friends, be confident! Even if you're not the best, it doesn't matter. Don't you always do your best to achieve your aims? Of course you do. That's enough to give you confidence, and confidence will make you happier.